The Diaries of a Fruitcake in a Half Baked World!

Well, I never thought I would be here.  I always said that I would never divorce, especially if I had children. I met my husband when I was 16 years old. I grew up into the woman I am with him by my side and apart. I was alone a lot in our marriage. Yet, I had my children to keep me busy and I had the Lord to keep me pure from anything outside of my marriage. After the first two years I thought it was over.  I went to the attorney’s and started paperwork but didn’t file. I thought it would scare him straight. It did for a little while. Then we started having children. 1991, 1993, 1994. The Military moved us around and I became a stronger, more independent woman. I learned to take care of just me and the children in a foreign country.  We didn’t have family around and we were in different time zones. I found the Lord during this time.

There were a lot of mistakes made in our marriage. Especially on TDY trips. Drinking is a very damaging addiction and I thought my love would be enough to make him want to change.  So many counseling sessions, so many tears, so many long talks, so many prayers.  After each infidelity I would become a little closer to becoming numb. I was in denial for so long and didn’t want to face the fact that I was unhappy and that he might never change.  I took our marriage vows seriously. Not wanting to give up. I am a fighter.

Over the past couple of months he started asking me questions like, “You are so unhappy, what do you want?”  I would tell him I wasn’t unhappy. He would look at me and say, “What do you want? What do you really want?” I didn’t know what to say to that. I was confused as to why he was asking me these questions. Did he want me to leave?   Then he started making comments that he didn’t think he would live past 55 years old.  Well, all this started to sink in and it made me really look at myself, our situation, the fact I didn’t trust him and the fact that he was never going to change.  So, I made the decision that it was time to see counseling again.  I told him that I thought we needed to see a counselor. He said no.  I said that I would go and see someone and he said, “Do what you have to do.”  This was enough to snap me in half.  It was like the flood gates opened and I looked back on my life and all the chances I gave.   I saw the whole path we had been on for 20 years and realized that I didn’t want to work on a marriage that was dead already.  When you don’t have trust, honesty, commitment, then the marriage vow has been broken. Yes, God can work miracles and change people but people have to want to change.

There were many good times we shared.  There were many bad times that were endured.  God got me through everything. Many nights I would sit on the bathroom floor and just cry. I wanted my husband to love me. To be romantic, sober. I wanted him to share in things I loved to do because he loved me . I needed attention. I needed to be the only woman. I wanted to die so many times. I knew I couldn’t do anything to myself because I had three children that needed me.  I often thought about me dying and what the children would go through with his drinking if I wasn’t around to protect them. Would he drink more?

I know from my writings in the past I seemed like a happy woman and that I was so in love.  We all put on the mask of happiness and I was in love with the thought of being loved unconditionally and completely. So, when things like this happen it shocks everyone because they had no idea.  With my situation, I couldn’t get help with the Military because if I said anything about his drinking or about the infidelity it would ruin his career. So, I had to keep it in. I had to endure in silence.  Sometimes I would make a friend on a duty station and be able to open up with that person but then we would move. The one that always heard, saw, felt, carried me was the Lord.

I would often pray that I wish I had a man that didn’t drink, didn’t smoke, would love only me, have eyes for only me, go to church with me, pray with me, do things with me. Only in a perfect world, right?

I never knew how long I would last in this marriage. My self esteem was VERY low. I didn’t want the children growing up without their father.  I didn’t think I was what any man would want. I couldn’t even take a bubble bath without feeling guilty for pampering myself.

It wasn’t until just recently that I realized all of this isn’t about me. The drinking, the women, the attention. Sure, I was unhappy because I wasn’t adored and the bottle and others got more attention than I but this is about him loving himself. You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. You need to know what love is. God can show you what that love is and how to love your spouse, how to love yourself.

So, here we are divorcing. Please keep him in your prayers because this is hard on him now. He is coming to terms with the fact that he has lost his wife because of all the things he has done. Please keep me in your prayers because I don’t want to hurt anyone. I am numb to feelings of trying to make it work. I explained to him we don’t need to save this marriage because it has been dead for years. We have just been going through the motions. Him doing his thing and me doing mine. Sure we joke and laugh and cut up but it is more of a sisterly/brotherly love.

The biggest concern has been for the children. They are 16, 17 and 18. All three want to see me happy and they understand why this is happening. They are already making plans of who will live where and how to decorate their rooms. It’s amazing how well they are taking this. But then they have been living through some hell also with the drinking.

He needs to find himself and happiness.  I need to find my happiness and no longer live behind a mask of one.

The other morning I came across the words “lowly” and “servanthood”.  Reading the Bible I find that it is a characteristic that would actually help me and others. To strive for, to be a servant of Christ.  I, for one, am interested and desire the characteristics of Christ. Currently I am doing a workbook study on “The Mind of Christ”.   The word “servant” has a negative implication for me when it came up.  I mean, reading those two words, lowly and servanthood, sound like you are being a doormat and serving others and treated badly. I immediately felt my heart fall because I know this is one area I have a problem with. I started getting sad right away. I like to be happy and I like to make people laugh. Being a servant and being lowly don’t sound like a way to be happy or does it?

In Phil. 2:7 it says Jesus “made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant”.  A Christlike characteristics to becoming a servant is being lowly. Woah there!  Lowly?  Why would I want to be lowly? There are  a couple of reasons to not wanting to be lowly. The first is not knowing what it means and the second would be pride.  I mean, if you think about it, pride has been around since Adam and Eve in the garden!  God despises the proud, but He dwells on the lowly.  *Lowliness does not mean belittling yourself. Rather, it means esteeming others.

Ok, fast forward….I am laying in bed flipping through channels around 10:30 at night and come across Joyce Meyer Ministries.  I rarely ever watch t.v. but this night I turned it on and was searching for something to entertain my mind.  Joyce was talking about depression.  We all have something to be depressed about, seriously. If you really want to get down, then you can find something to make you sad and if you dwell on it, you will stay there.  Well, she made a really interesting observation on how to get out of depression without medication.  It is esteeming others! Imagine that.

To becoming lowly, I need to esteem others. Now that is not hard or discouraging like I thought.  I know I can do that. If we all desired and put some effort into esteeming others wouldn’t the world be a better place?  When you lift others up, some might not be very receptive to it at first, but when you truly mean it and the smile on your face is genuine, people notice and can’t help but smile back or if they don’t, they will eventually.

So if you find yourself depressed right now, find someone that you can esteem.  You will find that not only does it make that person feel better, it will make you feel better because your mind will be off of yourself and your problems and on someone else.

We would love to hear your stories of experiencing the characteristic of being lowly. Tell us how you have esteemed others around you. We would love to hear your ideas.

*The Mind of Christ  by T.W. Hunt and Claude King pg. 21

It’s the countdown to my husbands retirement. October 23rd he had his retirement ceremony, which was awesome having both sides of the family there. He will be going on 24 years of service with the U.S. Army and his time has come to an end.  I am blessed that he has made it through all his deployments!  We celebrated our 20th anniversary, three days before his retirement and I have learned so much and grown so much as a military spouse.

When we married back in 1989, I was a dependent of a military Officer. I have always moved every 3 years and loved to always try a new area. Marrying into the military was absolutely what I wanted.  To keep traveling and meeting new people and setting up home where ever the Army sent us.  It was somewhat of a challenge going from being the dependent child to the spouse.

I was 18 years old when I married my husband. He was an Private stationed at Ft. Rucker, AL.  We were there during the Gulf War but he never had to deploy due to his job and where he was at.  The time did come for him to have a one year hardship tour.  Honduras.  We found out 1 month before he left that I was pregnant with our first child. He missed the pregnancy but was home for her birth, only to leave 3 weeks later to return. He didn’t come home until she was 6 months old.  So, I was 21 years old and raising our first child together, alone. I had to grow up quickly.  At 22 years of age, we had our second child in San Antonio, TX. Then at 23 years of age, we had our third child in Ft. Hood, TX.  When our last one was 2 months old, I found myself alone with 2 toddlers and an infant, 3 car seats, 5 pieces of luggage, 2 dogs and 2 crates on a plane to Germany to meet my husband for our 3 year tour.  Talk about being alone!  This time in my life was the time that I came across women who wore their husbands rank and looked down at me.  This is the time when I learned that we had to overlook those things and get along because we were all that we had when it came for help and staying sane. Our husbands were gone to field duty exercises and Bosnia.

When he came home we were on our way out of Germany to Ft. Rucker, AL for a couple of years and then to Ft. Campbell, KY where we are now and retiring.

During my time as a Military Spouse, I have enjoyed all the travels.  I’ve been to France, Switzerland, Poland, Italy, Germany, Alabama, Texas, Kentucky and he has been to Bosnia, Honduras, Iraq, Qatar, Afghanistan and so much more.  One thing I never got was a shrunk or coo coo clock or grandfather clock.  I did get my pottery and crystal though.  I made a lot of friends and one, Angela, that I met in Germany, followed us from Germany to Ft. Rucker to live one street over from us for a couple of years and then to Ft. Campbell.  I’ve watched her kids grow and join the military and she has watched mine grow.  Her husband is retiring next year too!  This world is really a small world.

Some things I won’t miss are the deployments, the TDY trips and field training exercises. The rumors that sometimes turned out to be true from those trips. Being a military spouse is really a hard job. You find yourself alone a lot and having to take care of everything. Then he comes home and takes back those responsibilities, which kind of upset the flow of things. It is very hard to have to take control and then give it back.  Many spouses find it hard to cope with deployments but my hands were always full with our children.  My friends and I would plan on the meals for thanksgiving, Christmas, easter, etc…  It was hard but at least we had each other.

So now the choices of retirement.  I have no idea what it is going to be like as a “civilian”. He got his job in the civilian world the day of his retirement ceremony and he will be with the guys at his current unit, which is wonderful for him! Today was a day of figuring out insurance, dental, medical, making those decisions and fedEx’ing them back to the company. His hair is longer than I have ever seen in since I met him in 1987. He has a beard! I will have to post a picture of the werewolf!

If you are already retired from the Military, send me some advice, if you have any. I would love to read it, learn from it.

Well, I will be the first one to share a casual story. My husband has been in the military for over 23 years. He is retiring in January 2010. So excited!! Last year when he was going to retire, it wasn’t as exciting because we didn’t know what to expect or if he needed to get another job. Some things happened with the soldier who was to take his slot and he decided to stay in for another year until the unit got another soldier to fill his position. It was a relief for us when he decided to pull his papers and they approved it. The reason was it gave him more time to decide what he wanted to do with his career.
We are so happy that we did this. It gave us more time to settle into the fact that we were retiring from the military. He was able to find another job and it is going to be a smooth transition. He has been on leave since October 23rd and his new job starts on January 4th. It is a great way for him to end his career with the military. Taking it easy, growing a beard. I am proud of him.
Now it’s time for cilivian life….

My husband just left today for his third deployment, but my first, and I’m finding myself moping around the house. I’ll be fine for awhile, then all in a sudden reality will sink in and I get upset again. I know tomorrow is a whole new day and I’m hoping to start it fresh and get a new routine set in. But what did you do the first day your husband was gone? Did you try to work? Did you feel better after a few days?

Thanks
Mary Ann

Dear Mary Ann,

I know it is hard! Being a Military Spouse is not an easy life. This being your first deployment, it’s great that you are seeking the advice from another Military Spouse and there might be some out there reading this that can give you steps that helped them in the comment section, so check back! Until then…

For me, we are going on 20 years of Military wedding bliss, the first deployment was horrible. I’m kind of a drama queen anyway, so the first day was worse than any other day I can remember. I felt like there was a death. I didn’t know if I would ever see him again. Did I tell him everything that I wanted to tell him or did I get enough kisses and hugs? When he was packing I was sure to hide little notes in his socks, in his underwear, shirts, etc… so that when he started unpacking where ever he was, he would be greeted with a little something from me. I know this might sound gross but I didn’t want to wash his pillow because it still had his scent on it. I asked him to take a picture frame I bought that would allow recording and speak something special in it for me only, that when I was missing him I could push the button and hear his voice. I cried on and off until I couldn’t cry anymore. It was all due to my fears of never seeing him again and just missing my other half!

What really helped me? Screaming as I cried! I mean getting mad and yelling as I cried. I did this for about 5 minutes and it really helped me get it out. After the first day, you start getting into your new routine, doing the things he did and learning to be by yourself or be both Mom and Dad. You will have your moments half way through and then you will change because now it is countdown till the time he walks through those hanger doors!

So, in closing, the first day, for me, was cry and get it all out. I screamed in my pillow, cried till my eyes were swollen. I didn’t want to be around anyone. I didn’t work and I had little ones, so I had to scream in the pillow after they were asleep for their nap. They caught me a couple of times crying but I would let them know the truth, that mommy was sad and it is ok to cry when your sad. I would say this as I was cleaning myself up and thinking, “Get it together!”

You seem to be a strong person and I think you will be just fine. Let nature take it’s course and don’t stop yourself if you feel you have to cry. It is a good release for stress. So is exercise! Don’t become secluded but stay active with your husband’s unit and FRG. I hope this helped and if you need anyone to talk to, I am here.