Well, I never thought I would be here. I always said that I would never divorce, especially if I had children. I met my husband when I was 16 years old. I grew up into the woman I am with him by my side and apart. I was alone a lot in our marriage. Yet, I had my children to keep me busy and I had the Lord to keep me pure from anything outside of my marriage. After the first two years I thought it was over. I went to the attorney’s and started paperwork but didn’t file. I thought it would scare him straight. It did for a little while. Then we started having children. 1991, 1993, 1994. The Military moved us around and I became a stronger, more independent woman. I learned to take care of just me and the children in a foreign country. We didn’t have family around and we were in different time zones. I found the Lord during this time.
There were a lot of mistakes made in our marriage. Especially on TDY trips. Drinking is a very damaging addiction and I thought my love would be enough to make him want to change. So many counseling sessions, so many tears, so many long talks, so many prayers. After each infidelity I would become a little closer to becoming numb. I was in denial for so long and didn’t want to face the fact that I was unhappy and that he might never change. I took our marriage vows seriously. Not wanting to give up. I am a fighter.
Over the past couple of months he started asking me questions like, “You are so unhappy, what do you want?” I would tell him I wasn’t unhappy. He would look at me and say, “What do you want? What do you really want?” I didn’t know what to say to that. I was confused as to why he was asking me these questions. Did he want me to leave? Then he started making comments that he didn’t think he would live past 55 years old. Well, all this started to sink in and it made me really look at myself, our situation, the fact I didn’t trust him and the fact that he was never going to change. So, I made the decision that it was time to see counseling again. I told him that I thought we needed to see a counselor. He said no. I said that I would go and see someone and he said, “Do what you have to do.” This was enough to snap me in half. It was like the flood gates opened and I looked back on my life and all the chances I gave. I saw the whole path we had been on for 20 years and realized that I didn’t want to work on a marriage that was dead already. When you don’t have trust, honesty, commitment, then the marriage vow has been broken. Yes, God can work miracles and change people but people have to want to change.
There were many good times we shared. There were many bad times that were endured. God got me through everything. Many nights I would sit on the bathroom floor and just cry. I wanted my husband to love me. To be romantic, sober. I wanted him to share in things I loved to do because he loved me . I needed attention. I needed to be the only woman. I wanted to die so many times. I knew I couldn’t do anything to myself because I had three children that needed me. I often thought about me dying and what the children would go through with his drinking if I wasn’t around to protect them. Would he drink more?
I know from my writings in the past I seemed like a happy woman and that I was so in love. We all put on the mask of happiness and I was in love with the thought of being loved unconditionally and completely. So, when things like this happen it shocks everyone because they had no idea. With my situation, I couldn’t get help with the Military because if I said anything about his drinking or about the infidelity it would ruin his career. So, I had to keep it in. I had to endure in silence. Sometimes I would make a friend on a duty station and be able to open up with that person but then we would move. The one that always heard, saw, felt, carried me was the Lord.
I would often pray that I wish I had a man that didn’t drink, didn’t smoke, would love only me, have eyes for only me, go to church with me, pray with me, do things with me. Only in a perfect world, right? 
I never knew how long I would last in this marriage. My self esteem was VERY low. I didn’t want the children growing up without their father. I didn’t think I was what any man would want. I couldn’t even take a bubble bath without feeling guilty for pampering myself.
It wasn’t until just recently that I realized all of this isn’t about me. The drinking, the women, the attention. Sure, I was unhappy because I wasn’t adored and the bottle and others got more attention than I but this is about him loving himself. You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. You need to know what love is. God can show you what that love is and how to love your spouse, how to love yourself.
So, here we are divorcing. Please keep him in your prayers because this is hard on him now. He is coming to terms with the fact that he has lost his wife because of all the things he has done. Please keep me in your prayers because I don’t want to hurt anyone. I am numb to feelings of trying to make it work. I explained to him we don’t need to save this marriage because it has been dead for years. We have just been going through the motions. Him doing his thing and me doing mine. Sure we joke and laugh and cut up but it is more of a sisterly/brotherly love.
The biggest concern has been for the children. They are 16, 17 and 18. All three want to see me happy and they understand why this is happening. They are already making plans of who will live where and how to decorate their rooms. It’s amazing how well they are taking this. But then they have been living through some hell also with the drinking.
He needs to find himself and happiness. I need to find my happiness and no longer live behind a mask of one.
- posted by Thea
- leave a comment
- filed under: Woman
