The Diaries of a Fruitcake in a Half Baked World!

When it comes to hurts, do we turn to the Healer or do we allow the stealer to destroy?

I have been alone, being more in the mind than in the body, for the past 9 months.  Everyone around me seems to move through their life, knowing where they are going and who with, while I am standing and watching mine go by, it seems, and for once not knowing where this path I am on, will go. I feel I am on a time limit and not much is left.  The time I am talking about is having babies. (If I want any more) Have you felt that way?  Looking back over my married life, yes, I was read More >

Genesis ~ an origin, creation, or beginning

My divorce was final September 16, 2010.  In a sense, it is a new beginning for my family and I.  Talk about hard! Learning who you are and what you like is no easy task.  It is really easy to fall into depression and feel sorry for yourself.  Being in a marriage for over 20 years and not having many friends taught me now, that I don’t have many friends! ha!  So, how do you find people to hang out with? What kind of “hanging out” do your friends do? Is it the type of hanging out you want to be around?

I tried Match.com and deactivated my account.  Not ready for that scene.  I did go out with some lady friends and couldn’t stay long because I wasn’t ready to be out there yet.  I have said “no” too many times that I think that is what everyone thinks my answer will be, so why ask.  I have a facebook account but that has been hard too.

I guess you could say that it is like a new birth. I am needing to heal right now (the feeding stages) and I want to just concentrate on my relationship with Jesus.  I will eventually crawl and then run. But right now I am in the infant stage. I just need to be fed the Word and let the healing begin.

Have you started a new beginning, new chapter in your life? If you have any advice I would love for you to share it with me.

Last night I went over and had fellowship with my church family at my friend’s house with the youth and adults. It was such a wonderful time watching everyone play cards and the women sit around and visit. (Well, when I got there, there were only 2 women visiting.) I had so much laughter. I haven’t been laughing much lately but last night I really laughed. My friend and I had her daughter take some pictures and me, the fun gal that I am , wanting to pose crazzzzy and her posing beautiful, as she is! Our faces in the pictures are just lit up. (I am adding them to my photos)

While waiting for my divorce to be finalized and since he has moved off the property and into his own place with my son, I have been able to do the things I wasn’t able to do, not due to physical reasons but mental. I always stayed at home and very rarely did I visit others. I rarely socialized with others like I did last night. I was always feeling guilty when it came to wanting that. My prayer was always how I wished that I could have the freedom to just be able to sing and praise God when I wanted or be able to just read the Bible and grow in the Lord when I wanted. To be around others and visit and not worry about coming home and being questioned. To put God first in my life.

I am reading a book that I found in Lifeway Bookstore when I was out the other day. When I go into a bookstore I pray that the Lord will point me to the book that I need right now. I will read the Bible and then read the book that has been chosen. The book that stood out and I knew I needed to get is “Lady in Waiting: Becoming God’s Best While Waiting for Mr. Right” Whether you know who Mr. Right is or you don’t know; whether you are married, divorced, widowed or single, this book is wonderful in making you really exam yourself. It is backed with scripture, which is what I have to have when reading something that is suppose to be like a self help book. To also be able to discern that the scripture is not being taken out of context to support what the author is writing about is VERY important. When the scriptures are given, I stop and look them up.

In this book, it is teaching me about how to put God first before any man. A lot of women are eating off paper plates while the china is in the hope chest. They are waiting for a “mate” to bring beauty to their private world. “It’s time to take out the china daily for yourself and God. A lot of women waiting for Mr. Right are waiting to be satisfied by sharing the china and crystal with a husband. We need to find satisfaction in serving the Lord FIRST. Some women put their lives on hold, waiting for some guy to come riding into her life on a white stallion. They have no china, no decent furniture, and no pictures on the walls – none of the little extra that make a house inviting.” When reading this, I realized that my walls are now bare and my furniture is mostly gone in the living room so my son can have familiar surroundings in his new home. There is such an echo in my living room but it has great acoustics for singing! I plan on going to the store tomorrow and buying pictures to hang that reflect the Lord and the furniture will come later. But no more bare walls. My home will be inviting and will reflect my heart, which is in love with Jesus! Amen!! We just might not have a lot of places to sit.

A lot of women, according to this author, cannot comprehend fullness and satisfaction without a man. They settle for the generic version of life. John 10:10, Jesus said that He came so that we might have a more abundant life. The question was asked, “Do you believe that the abundant life is only for the married woman? Do you think that a woman with a husband, two children, a nice home, and two insurance policies is more satisfied with life than you are? Life is satisfying only when you diligently serve the Lord, whatever your circumstances.

My circumstances are those of a biblical divorced woman. How can I serve the Lord diligently? Oh, I am finding SO many ways! I feel that the Lord is grooming me for Mr. Right. First, I have to be in love with Jesus and serve Him. Without Christ first, how can I have anything that will be lasting and true? How can I be the Godly woman, wife for my Mr. Right? How can I minister to those around me through song, which is my calling, if Christ isn’t first in my life? With Christ ALL things are possible. I am faith resting that.

So, last night after visiting my friend, I came home around 10:30 p.m. and the children were with friends for the fire works. I was alone with my Jesus. So, I put in some CD’s and started worshiping the Lord with my voice. I sang for almost an hour and could have gone on if my voice wasn’t becoming so tired. It was wonderful to stand there in the middle of the living room with my arms stretched out, palms open and lifted to the Lord in worship. Praise God!

Afterward I came to my computer and checked my email and saw I had a comment on EA from someone that I didn’t know. So, when I opened it up, just coming out of my worship time, the Lord spoke to me through this person. This is the comment:

“Get ready. You are fixing to be blessed abundantly.”

Praise God! I am holding onto this truth. It is such an encouragement. I will stay grounded, steadfast, obedient and committed in my walk. I have changed in the past month, the past weeks. Always growing and finding joy, even though my thoughts will sometimes become sad due to the silence I receive, I pray for comfort and peace, in Jesus name! I receive it, every time. Christ knows the desires of our hearts. Only He knows mine. No man can take that away.

Well, I never thought I would be here.  I always said that I would never divorce, especially if I had children. I met my husband when I was 16 years old. I grew up into the woman I am with him by my side and apart. I was alone a lot in our marriage. Yet, I had my children to keep me busy and I had the Lord to keep me pure from anything outside of my marriage. After the first two years I thought it was over.  I went to the attorney’s and started paperwork but didn’t file. I thought it would scare him straight. It did for a little while. Then we started having children. 1991, 1993, 1994. The Military moved us around and I became a stronger, more independent woman. I learned to take care of just me and the children in a foreign country.  We didn’t have family around and we were in different time zones. I found the Lord during this time.

There were a lot of mistakes made in our marriage. Especially on TDY trips. Drinking is a very damaging addiction and I thought my love would be enough to make him want to change.  So many counseling sessions, so many tears, so many long talks, so many prayers.  After each infidelity I would become a little closer to becoming numb. I was in denial for so long and didn’t want to face the fact that I was unhappy and that he might never change.  I took our marriage vows seriously. Not wanting to give up. I am a fighter.

Over the past couple of months he started asking me questions like, “You are so unhappy, what do you want?”  I would tell him I wasn’t unhappy. He would look at me and say, “What do you want? What do you really want?” I didn’t know what to say to that. I was confused as to why he was asking me these questions. Did he want me to leave?   Then he started making comments that he didn’t think he would live past 55 years old.  Well, all this started to sink in and it made me really look at myself, our situation, the fact I didn’t trust him and the fact that he was never going to change.  So, I made the decision that it was time to see counseling again.  I told him that I thought we needed to see a counselor. He said no.  I said that I would go and see someone and he said, “Do what you have to do.”  This was enough to snap me in half.  It was like the flood gates opened and I looked back on my life and all the chances I gave.   I saw the whole path we had been on for 20 years and realized that I didn’t want to work on a marriage that was dead already.  When you don’t have trust, honesty, commitment, then the marriage vow has been broken. Yes, God can work miracles and change people but people have to want to change.

There were many good times we shared.  There were many bad times that were endured.  God got me through everything. Many nights I would sit on the bathroom floor and just cry. I wanted my husband to love me. To be romantic, sober. I wanted him to share in things I loved to do because he loved me . I needed attention. I needed to be the only woman. I wanted to die so many times. I knew I couldn’t do anything to myself because I had three children that needed me.  I often thought about me dying and what the children would go through with his drinking if I wasn’t around to protect them. Would he drink more?

I know from my writings in the past I seemed like a happy woman and that I was so in love.  We all put on the mask of happiness and I was in love with the thought of being loved unconditionally and completely. So, when things like this happen it shocks everyone because they had no idea.  With my situation, I couldn’t get help with the Military because if I said anything about his drinking or about the infidelity it would ruin his career. So, I had to keep it in. I had to endure in silence.  Sometimes I would make a friend on a duty station and be able to open up with that person but then we would move. The one that always heard, saw, felt, carried me was the Lord.

I would often pray that I wish I had a man that didn’t drink, didn’t smoke, would love only me, have eyes for only me, go to church with me, pray with me, do things with me. Only in a perfect world, right?

I never knew how long I would last in this marriage. My self esteem was VERY low. I didn’t want the children growing up without their father.  I didn’t think I was what any man would want. I couldn’t even take a bubble bath without feeling guilty for pampering myself.

It wasn’t until just recently that I realized all of this isn’t about me. The drinking, the women, the attention. Sure, I was unhappy because I wasn’t adored and the bottle and others got more attention than I but this is about him loving himself. You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. You need to know what love is. God can show you what that love is and how to love your spouse, how to love yourself.

So, here we are divorcing. Please keep him in your prayers because this is hard on him now. He is coming to terms with the fact that he has lost his wife because of all the things he has done. Please keep me in your prayers because I don’t want to hurt anyone. I am numb to feelings of trying to make it work. I explained to him we don’t need to save this marriage because it has been dead for years. We have just been going through the motions. Him doing his thing and me doing mine. Sure we joke and laugh and cut up but it is more of a sisterly/brotherly love.

The biggest concern has been for the children. They are 16, 17 and 18. All three want to see me happy and they understand why this is happening. They are already making plans of who will live where and how to decorate their rooms. It’s amazing how well they are taking this. But then they have been living through some hell also with the drinking.

He needs to find himself and happiness.  I need to find my happiness and no longer live behind a mask of one.