The Diaries of a Fruitcake in a Half Baked World!

So, how does it get to this point?  How does it get started?

You confide in one person and wham! it has turned into a rumor mill with so many different varieties in the situation you are in.

What do you believe when you hear it? Are you shocked like these women or are you shaking your head in the no position and then telling your friends?

That has been the story of my life for over a year now. I have disappeared from the public eye for over a year.  I have heard so many things about me, after resurfacing into a new career.  I am ashamed by what I hear my “friends” have said and then I am shocked that those things WERE said about me.  I have been talked about, judged and ostracized.

First, let me say that no one is perfect. That includes the gossiper.  If you hear something about someone, go to the person and let them know it is going around. Maybe you can stop the rumor mill because the person being gossiped about won’t be able to stop it once it gets into the ears of the right people.  It spreads like wild fire.

I am have been keeping read More >

Every since I was a little girl I have always been what some would call a “loner”.  I never followed the crowd or trend. I was my own person…making my own path. I never liked being under someone’s authority or doing what someone told me to do. (Aren’t all children that way?)

As I grew up I became more secluded.  I didn’t go out and party with the rest of the teenagers, I stayed read More >

The single woman, in our day and time, usually is diligent and faithful in going after her man, only to find disappointment and pain.  What does this have to do with security? A lot to be honest.  The woman who “hunts for her man” is one who read More >

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge; but fools despise wisdom and instruction.  Proverbs 1:7

The term fool in hebrew refers to a person characterized by moral folly.  Fools lack understanding (10:21), do not store up knowledge (10:14),  fail to attain wisdom (24:7), and refuse correction (15:5; 27:22).  They are arrogant (26:5), talk loosely (14:3) and are contentious (20:3). They might have mental intelligence but they are morally foolish.  In sum, they are stubborn and “thick-branined. (Greenstone, Proverbs, p.6)

We have all been fools at one time or another.  Definition for a fool is a person lacking judgment or prudence. There are many areas in your life where you can be a fool.

• Money
• Relationship
• Job
• children

But what about being a fool for love? Elvis sang the song, “I can’t help falling in love with you” and in this song he sings, “Wise men say, only fools rush in…” Do you become the fool by rushing into things because you lacked understanding or you didn’t have the knowledge before?

What causes us to be fools? Sometimes it can actually be immaturity or maybe mental instability. It can also be selfish desires that make us fools.  We can be headstrong, stubborn and being in that frame of mind will cause us to be deaf to the wisdom of a Pastor because…”They don’t understand how I feel.”

A fool hath no delight in understanding, but that his heart may discover itself. Proverbs 19:2

Other translations besides the KJV say, “A fool hath no delight in understand…

• but delights in airing his own opinions. NIV
• they only want to air their own opinions. NLT
• but only in expressing his opinion. ESV
• But only in revealing his own mind. NAS
• But only that his heart may reveal itself. ASV

Clarke’s Commentary on the Bible says this about the with the KJV saying..But that his heart may discover itself:

It is a fact that most vain and foolish people are never satisfied in company, but in showing their own nonsense and emptiness.  But this verse may be understood as confirming the view already given of the preceding, and may be translated thus: “But a fool doth not delight in understanding, though it should even manifest itself.” so I understand. The separated person, that is the person who is in the truth and separate from the world,  seeks understanding in every hidden thing, and feels his toil well repaid when he finds it, even after the most painful and expensive search: the other regards it not, though its secret springs should be laid open to him without toil or expense.

Such men only desire to have some knowledge and understanding, to make a show of it, that they may be thought to be wise, and to be capable of talking of things as if they understood them, when it is only to the exposing of themselves and their ignorance; some persons attain to no more learning and knowledge than just to be capable to show that they are fools.  Or, “but in the discovery of his heart”, he delights in discovering that; not the wisdom, but the folly that is in it.

For me, I never want to be the fool.  I have often wondered over the past year if I was a fool for believing in something that I prayed over. Yes, I prayed EVERY DAY and I even journaled it. I wouldn’t make a move without knowing that it was time to make a move.  Even when a Pastor I spoke with told me if I didn’t do what he was saying I would experience hell like I never knew it.

During my separation there was an evangelist that came down from the pulpit and straight to me and laid hands on my head and prayed over my mind because he saw that Satan would be playing with my thoughts and I would feel like I was losing my mind in the future.  I couldn’t understand what he was talking about and thought it might be related to my divorce. My hell has been in the mind. Causing confusion and my discernment is clouded or maybe it isn’t and it is the cloudiness of others. I’m surprised I haven’t broken down into a major depression but as long as I pray and stay in the Word, depression will not root itself because the Lord will lift me from it. He is the Healer!

When it comes to understanding every hidden thing, that can be very aggravating to others who don’t have much patience.  I am the type of person who wants understanding. I no longer am the child in the classroom that wouldn’t raise their hand and ask the questions for fear of looking stupid. If the questions I ask make me look stupid, then that is the expense of finding the answer.  I might get a response of…ugh, you need to stop!…Why do you do that?…Are you serious? Or the worse thing…silence. BUT I am not afraid of those responses because it is SOOOO important that I get the answers. The only way I won’t get an answer and a peace in my soul is through the silence.

If so be that ye have heard him, and have been taught by him, as the truth is in Jesus:  That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts; And be renewed in the spirit of your mind; And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness.  Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbor: for we are members one of another. Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Neither give place to the devil. Ephesians 4:21-27

Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.  Ephesians 4:31,32

So reading these scriptures is the answer to why you don’t need to use silence when you know it hurts the other. If you need time to think and don’t want to talk, say so and the other party should respect your wishes. The person waiting for you to break your silence will learn patience through prayer. Just remember we are to not let the sun go down while we are angry with another. Hence why I appear to wear my heart on my sleeve and want to talk and make things right by sharing my thoughts. Thoughts that can seem wordy…like this post.

In conclusion of the characteristics of a fool, know that a fool wouldn’t seek knowledge, wisdom and understanding. The appearance of looking stupid by asking questions is the judgment of a fool.  A fool would not try to understand others and only rely on their own thoughts as being right. They wouldn’t be considerate of others feelings and be like Ephesians 4:32 says, “…be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”

Can you surrender all? Even your thoughts?
Do you know what it is like being in a relationship where there is adultery? I became very observant to the looks that I would see in mine. Every woman knows what I am talking about. There doesn’t have to be any infidelities admitted, you just have that gut feeling.
Many men and women believe that committing adultery is the actual act of being intimate, becoming one. That is a partially true. If that is the only way to commit adultery then it’s a lie to keep you living in a false sense of right, when really it’s wrong.

Adultery begins with a thought.

You might think you are strong and can keep your eyes to yourself but what happens when the woman wears the blouse a little to low and you can see her cleavage? Or maybe the skirt is a little above the knee? Your thoughts are what happens next. I like to say there is a second look rule.  You look once without thought. If someone is attractive, you look.  When you do a double take or you turn to look back or you position yourself where you aren’t obvious that you are looking, your thoughts have possibly turned into sin.

Matthew 5: 27,28 Jesus said, “Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.”

Lust in the dictionary means, self-indulgent sexual desire; a strong sexual desire; have a craving, appetite, or great desire for.

Women who dress this way might say they do because they are confident about their appearance but the truth of the matter is this…

They want the attention. They need it.
They are missing something very important in their life. A piece that belongs to Jesus. By dressing this way women hinder not only the man but the other women around.  Women? For the woman it’s not always jealousy or low self esteem. Ladies, it is fear.

My Momma told me a while ago what fear means.

FEAR =

F- False

E- Events

A- Appearing

R- Real

You might cause their spouse or boyfriend to have a wandering eye for you. This leads to ungodly thoughts. It’s not a woman’s insecurities, it’s their home unit that is being invaded. They might have a man that they like and in walks the woman looking all seductive and the man naturally will look at her. The woman who isn’t dressed provocatively but modest begins to fade in the background.

I was this woman at one time. I began to ask myself why I wore so much eye make-up and why I chose those tight jeans. When I was truthful with myself, I started paying attention to everything I did. I wore the eye make up to attract my husband, at the time, to my eyes. I would always get compliments on my eyes. I wanted the compliments from him but if he didn’t notice, someone did. He liked me wearing make up. I wore the tight jeans so that it would show off my curves. I was wanting attention, to feel attractive and my ex liked me in jeans, not skirts. I carried myself with my shoulders back, head raised and chest forward. I was confident in my walk but I was messed up in my heart. It wasn’t until I found Jesus and became convicted on it that I stopped doing these things for attention. It was really hard to let go of it, especially when you no longer have someone to compliment you and you have been used to getting those compliments. I realized that by wearing the clothes and make up like I did, I was causing others to stumble. I didn’t want to be a stumbling block. Yes, I wanted to be attractive to my husband but not at the expense of other men looking and their wives or girlfriends sending me daggers with their looks.

So ladies, let’s be honest, you might want to ask yourself these questions that I asked myself:
1) When you put on your clothes, why do you choose provocative instead of modest apparel? Do you put on the jeans and turn around and think your bottom looks good and you will get looks on it? Or maybe the tightness on your legs will show how skinny you are? Maybe the shirt is low and reveal your cleavage, showing what you have? Will all eyes be on you?
2) Why do you make yourself pretty with artificial cosmetics? Do you put on the eyeliner thick to bring the color of your eyes out? Do you want them to look there instead of the bad areas you think you have? Maybe your eyes are the only thing you think is attractive? That isn’t true.  Natural beauty is attractive and believe me, when a man sees the inside being beautiful, you will become the most attractive woman ever.

Haha, men reading this might think, what? A man doesn’t look at the inside and the beauty comes to the outside. Men, I am telling you, when you see a woman who isn’t showing off her assets, sure you probably won’t give her a second look but if that woman became a friend or asked you for coffee and sat across from you, you would be seeing the real woman, not the appearance of the woman. Her heart will show on her face and she would start to spark something in you. She might be smart, she might be funny, she might be all of those things and when you see who she is, inside, you will be attractive for the right reasons, not the false reasons.

One thing you have to understand is that not all women who dress modest do so because they don’t care about being what the world considers attractive. They do care about their appearance. They want to be clean and attractive but naturally and modestly. They do so because they are led to be natural. They don’t want to be a stumbling block to other men or women.  They are covering a multitude of sin that could be happening because of the way they appear to the world.  They are not being conformed to this world but standing out with the standard of purity and modesty. God has a standard and it is written for a reason in the Bible.

Isaiah 47:2-3 reveals what God calls “nakedness” or immodesty. It is to “make bare the leg” and “uncover the thigh”.  1 Timothy 2:9 calls us, men and women, to dress in modest apparel.When you have such a love for God and such an abhorrence for worldliness that you will allow God to set your standards as to whether a dress is modest or not…you can’t go wrong!

Yes, man will sin with their thoughts even over women who dress modestly but the difference is you. If you are being worldly, not living for what God says, then you will be just as much at fault. You will be adding fuel to the fire. I know this might seem harsh but this is the truth. You are making it harder for others and yourself to live a Holy life because you are getting the wrong approval. You are getting approval from man and not your God.  If you are living for God and dress modestly and man or woman stumble in their sin, it is their sin, not yours.

So women, let’s cover a multitude of sin and dress modestly not provocatively.  Pay attention to your motives when you put on your make up, your clothes.  When you do, you will have to come to terms on why you are doing it in the first place, like I did. If you can honestly say that you wear everything because you like it, go a step further and ask why you like it. If you love putting on make up and are good at it, you gotta go deeper and realize that maybe, just maybe by you wearing it to show off how good you are, you get the ladies complimenting you and making you feel good about yourself. It’s nice to have accolades but you would find it is more fulfilling having accolades when you are doing it for the right reasons. Really what is make up good for? Making you more attractive? Hey, I was there. When a man sees you in your natural and loves you, you are accepted for who you really are. You have let your mask down. You are showing the REAL you.

Some helpful hints. I was given some “covers” that snap onto my bra and I couldn’t believe how much I revealed with my shirts until I put one on. I don’t have to get rid of all my shirts and wear high collars, I just snap on the cover to my bra and I am more modest. Decide on the length of your skirt to not go over your knee. That means when you sit down, your knees aren’t showing.  Why? Well, everyone is convicted differently depending on where they are in their walk with Jesus and what their Pastor preaches. If a man can see your knee or above your knee, his thoughts will wander to what you look like without that skirt. Yes, that is his problem but he wouldn’t have that problem if he couldn’t see your knee. So help a brother out. Don’t show your knee.

I know this generation is all about ME, ME, ME. But can we stop and think of others and how we can help them? Our sacrifice to our selfishness will be rewarded.

I woke up this morning to the song, “Stand Out” by Tye Tribbett.  The words I heard singing over and over were, “Rise up, people”.  LOL  So, at 5 a.m. I got up and in my Bible.  Sitting in my glider chair with a cup of coffee, I pecked away these words from my iPhone.

God is calling us to Stand Out! Be not conformed to this world.

2 And do not be conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. Romans 12:2

When I think about those words, not only do I think about appearances but what the world is into.  How Satan is getting into the church. He is starting on our young people early in their lives and their parents are the example by being chained to their computer or moblie device.  It will be harder for them to break this yoke the earlier he gets them involved.

Everything our forefathers stood for to keep us from falling into the trap has snuck in through the back door.

8 Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour: 9 Whom resist stedfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions are accomplished in your brethren that are in the world. 1 Peter 5:8,9

We have kept a watchful eye not to listen to certain music, drink, dance, watch tv/movies, read but the one thing that is a clever tool that Satan can use to sink his teeth into us and take hold is technology.  The computer and cell phone.  It’s the way of the world.  If you don’t have a smartphone you aren’t cool.  If you don’t have a facebook page, what’s wrong with you? Get with it!  Now Google + is coming out and it will be just as big.  Giving facebook competition.  More things will come out with facebook to keep them in the lead.

The key is not becoming addicted to it and if you have, know how to get out of it. How do you know you’re addicted? Do you have to get on Facebook daily? Do you have it set up on your phone where you get messages and you always know when someone comments on a photo or status? Do you find yourself getting on Facebook more than 4 times a day? Read what the Bible has to say about addiciton. People have become addicted to the internet.  I’m being convicted as I write this, too.  I’m known as the google queen to all my family and friends. I google everything I have a question about.  I need to rely more on the word of God and not the internet.

How do we spend most of our time?  That is how we will know that what we are addicted to. We need to repent because our attention hasn’t been where it should be.  Sin is only a “click of the mouse” away.

What would the world do if Facebook did shut down?  What would they do with their time? Actually go out and talk to people? Society has become lazy, letting their fingers do the walking and talking.  People will get mad and defensive about this because you will be threatening their sweet tooth and causing them to possibly have to throw away their candy so their teeth won’t rot out!

We have to stand out. To not be conformed to the world. When you hear about people you know not having a facebook what do you think?  People see them different, like they aren’t with the times or they might be old fashion and be denying the power of this age.  The thing you might not see is that they are standing out.  They aren’t like everyone else. They are different.  Not being conformed to the world even though using facebook touches the world.

That is the little back door satan uses on Christians.  We pride ourselves loving God and being strong in the Lord and our appearance and actions reflect that.  But satan is dangling the apple here, no pun intended.

He knows his way in and builds up your ego by saying, “You are strong; You won’t allow anything to sneak in and move your attention away from Godly things; You can reach millions with a video or word of encouragment.” But then you become friends with someone you don’t know and they put a video up that you never would have looked at and your curiosity gets the best of you and you crack that door, peaking inside.  The breach has been broken and satan is very patient to tear you down.  You are no longer protected.  More things find there way in and before long you are wondering how you got this far off course.

There is more damage being done through the excuse of why we have a page in the first place. “Oh, I use it to touch lives.” But what happens when you become weak and let that woman or man of the world comment and tell you how interested they are in you and how gorgeous or good looking you are? They stroke your ego and you start building a wall of pride.  What is pride? It’s the quality or state of being proud.  What is proud? Having or showing excessive self-esteem. Highly pleased.  Many men and women have fallen from their calling because satan has slivered his way through the currents of electricity.

To make a difference would involve a blog with no interaction. The interaction I am talking about is chatting, texting, messaging. You will catapult your ministry by blogging each post. I don’t know if you know much about blogging but it will put you out there on the internet faster with each post.  The interaction should be done in person. If you would haven’t this person or that person in your church office alone with the door closed, what makes it any different than talking alone in the comfort of your room with your shoes off or in bed and chatting on your computer, iPad or smartphone?

If you can’t sit next to a woman or man without being worried what everyone else thinks then how is it any different having that woman or man as a friend and making overly friendly comments about your pictures and that person just happens to be married?  He/She needs to be confronted with care because that is flirting outside of the marriage.  The one thing that God holds in high regard and compares to the church.  Being the bride of Christ.  Marriages are being threatened.  What was once strong, letting no man destroy, it is being torn apart and satan loves every bit of it.  Pastors are leaving their wife for the woman they have counseled and become chatty friends with which led to an emotional connection.

Just like a computer has a firewall for viruses, we must have a firewall for satan.  Recognizing that, being convicted of that is something we must not fight against. If you are going to be the best in the world of saving lives, start with your own first by following God’s word and not being conformed to this world and their standards.  Their standards are proven by being up to date with the world of technology.  Doing everything everyone else is doing.  You are imitating their ways and it doesn’t set you apart and separate, thus causing you to stand out.

You can lose your credibility in what you stand up and preach when you have a facebook, twitter, smartphone that shows them you allow things in your life that a man or woman of God should not have.  It’s time to clean the temple of God and Stand Out! Just like Jesus became angry and threw the money changers out, what would He be doing as we defile the temple of God with these worldly things? I’m talking to myself, also.

I’m going to take a stand.  I want to protect my walk like others before me. 

The wife of a man – beware….Flattery by men can crack your foundation in your marriage.  You will view your husband as a man who doesn’t have time for you and satan has entered in through your emotional vulnerability.  Men beware….the woman uses flattery to stroke the ego.  Where your wife is busy with the children, housework, extra job outside of the home or taking care of you and your needs, having another build you up with praise will tear you and your ministry down.  Women….The lives of others being displayed for their friends and the world to see has opened the floor for gossip and meddling.  Something women have the natural instinct for and must put on the full armor of God and protect against.

The church is being attacked.  It’s time to place your foot on solid ground and stand out!!

This video below is good.

Tomorrow, June 19, 2011, will be Father’s Day.  I thought I would say a little something about my Dad.

As a daughter, whose Father lives across the street, I would like to share a photo of when we were younger.  Much younger!  My Dad was stationed at Ft. Rucker, AL when I was born.  At that time he went through flight school and became a Pilot.  Flying in Vietnam and all over.  A founding Night Stalker with the 160th SOAR, I am a Lady Night Stalker, singing at the events that my Dad was once part of.

I was always a Daddy’s girl growing up and when my parents divorced, I was 10, it was pretty rough for me to not be around him anymore. I remember sitting at his feet, while he was in his recliner, and him brushing my long hair while we watched t.v.  We were at Ft. Campbell, KY and moved back to Ozark, AL where my Mother is from once the separation came.

Through the years, the tough teenage growing years, there were a lot of growing pains.  Especially when divorce is involved.  Trying to find out why and hearing from family who was at fault for separating the four of us.  As an adult and now a single mother of my own children, I know that marriage is rough and it isn’t always greener on the other side.  We all make our choices and my parents made theirs.  Now so many years later, picking up where I once was at age 10, living in Werner Park on Hawaii St. in Ft. Campbell, I am now living in Clarksville, TN with my family, where my Dad never moved from. Living so close to my Dad, I have had the opportunity to heal hurts and get to know the man he is.  He is now around his grandchildren and enjoying the time we all have together. Recently he married his true love, Glenda, and now has more children and grandchildren. His life is full of joy and love.

So, to my Dad, I want you to know that I love you and thank the Lord that He blessed me with you. All the trials, tears, joys and laughter have made me what I am today. And from what you are always telling me, you are very proud of the woman I have become. So, thank you, even thougth it was hard.  I hope you have a wonderful Father’s Day and thank you for being my Daddy.

I forgive all the men that came before; I start now with me!

I am finding that one of the most important keys to dating success lies in not becoming The Bitter Woman. If it hasn’t happened yet, it is time to learn to love and trust the opposite sex. Leaving all your unresolved man issues at the curb. The past is the past.  It’s time to say, “I forgive all the men who came before; I start with me!” Forgiveness, I am finding just now, is lightening my load.

Not even a week ago there was a woman friend wanting a man to love her so badly that she read More >

“You were not created to complete another, but to complement.”

How true that statement is!  Many, including myself, have been on the quest to be complete with someone else. You know the simple line that Tom Cruise’s character in Jerry Maguire said to the woman he finally realized he loved, “You complete me.”  Everyone woman wanted to hear that from a man after seeing that movie. But what we don’t understand is that we should complement the other. We should be complete in Jesus. If a woman is not complete in Jesus, she will be a drain read More >

Proverbs 31 is a portrait of the virtuous woman and can be a mirror that all women can examine themselves, though we all fall short to the likeness. But the woman who does look in the mirror will catch something of the beauty of spirit and the serenity of the virtuous woman. She must keep striving with a willing heart to be complete.

It is called “The ABC of the Perfect Wife” because read More >

So, are you a wart?

This morning, early, I couldn’t sleep and decided to read some blogs that I am following. One caught my eye and it was about being hurt by people who call themselves Christians. Haven’t we all been there? Hasn’t that been some of our excuses of why we don’t go to church? Why we put up the wall of trust? We still might hold bitterness toward someone who didn’t show love and they are suppose to be a Christian.

The question was why if you’re a Christian and are part of the body of Christ, don’t you help someone when they are hurt instead of picking up the stone of judgment and throwing it?

I started thinking about how we come to church and say we are a follower of Jesus, yet some seem to be lip service instead of kingdom service. The first thing that raises a flag read More >

Romans 12:2 “And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.”

Wow, this scripture speaks volumes to me.  When I gave it all to God my mind started to become renewed.

Last week is my new birthday. April 14, 2011 I went to a WPF Summit Conference in Tulsa, OK, in between working and relaxing from the day.  The Holy Ghost was so powerful this night for me. He came down like rain. Pastor Henderson and his wife prayed over me and I felt the movement but didn’t submit to it.

I had always wondered , as I watched other women be able to just let go and let God have His way with them, how they could do that. I just couldn’t seem to bring myself to do it. But this night after they prayed over me and I thanked them for doing so, I continued to worship God. The next thing I know Amy Diaz is coming up to my right and holding me and Royce Ann Henderson is on my left and another Godly woman was in front of me. All three were praying for me. I felt a fire building and building and eventually I let go. I surrendered. What a beautiful thing, to surrender your all to Jesus. Amen!

I cannot tell you the peace I have in my life where once I was in turmoil and miserable, not knowing where I was going and who was going to be with me on the journey of life.

With the scripture above, found in Romans, you can only know the truth of this scripture when you truly submit to God. Once you do, it is very important to stay in the word and around your brother and sisters in Jesus.  It is imperative to keep growing in the word. If not, you could very well find yourself sucked back in to the world and the way it turns. So turn to God and His words that help encourage us, comfort us, heal us and most importantly bring us closer in our walk to living righteously.

Looking to the right of this post, you will see my Fruitcake TV.  In this YouTube account are many videos of me singing back in 2008 for the Operation Rising Star Competition. That was then, I am different now. To some I might look worldly but that isn’t the case anymore.  My hair is longer and more natural. My appearance has changed and many might not like it or think that I have joined a religious group but I am telling those who are reading this right now and feel that way that, that is the farthest thing from the truth. I am growing so much right now and making my life right, slowly. I am not perfect and I still do the “wrong” things but I am trying to live my life for Jesus. Doing what He would want me to do.

Would you like to find out more about renewing your life in Jesus? Click here…

March 22, 2011 my Granni passed from the loving arms of my Gramps into the arms of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  It was 3 days shy of my 27th anniversary of her leading me to accepting Jesus as my personal Savior.

I have not been able to bring myself to share what I feel on paper for a while and it was kind of shocking that I haven’t been writing about the love and pain I have felt from being her Granddaughter to losing her until I see her again.  This kind of pain is different from when I lost my animals. They were the only living things close to me that I have lost to death.

Some of you might not have experienced the loss of someone that you called Mother.  From what I have seen my Momma go through, in the loss of her Mother, I can tell you that it is a very mournful experience.

We have been told that crying is a selfish act.  That when someone dies, we should be happy that they are in a better place.  BUT there is a healing process that some have to go through and it requires crying! If it is a selfish act to cry, then I guess I am selfish. Well, believe me, I am happy that she doesn’t have to suffer any more. It wasn’t until her death, after the autopsy, that we found out she had cancer the size of a grapefruit in her lung that had grown from nothing to a huge circumference in less than a year.

See, my Granni smoked for over 40 years.  One day she was in her yard cutting back some bushes and used her side to help hold the handle in place and her other two hands to hold the other handle and bring in toward her to cut the branch. She didn’t realize that doing this could crack a rib, which is exactly what happened. When she went in for her x-ray, that is when they found lung cancer.  By the time she was in her late 80’s she had gone through 4 lung cancer surgeries and only had 1/2 of one lung and 1/4 of the other left.  BUT knowing that the lung can be exercised to grow back to full capacity, she taught water aerobics on Ft. Rucker.  She had her routines and the Doctors at Moffitt Cancer Institute in Tampa, FL were so impressed with her that they didn’t turn her away when it came to operating on a woman who was close to being in her 90’s.

So, she is now with our God and no longer in pain.  I know, as sure as I am sitting here, that she was probably mad when she saw she had died. Why would I say this? Because there was a dream she had one night where she died.  She was heading toward the light and felt familiar people around her but she turned around and told God she wasn’t ready.  She woke up.  Telling me and my Momma this dream, she said that she would never be ready until she reached 100 years old.  She loved her children too much to die.  She would fight until the end.  But there was no fighting.  There were no good-byes.  There was no mending anything that seemed broken. She just left. One minute Gramps was helping her into bed, the next she went limp and we were told it was instant.  No pain, no thought, just…gone. Gone from this world forever.

Granni was a strong woman and very stubborn (I say this with the most high respect). I am much like her.  She did call me hers.

There were many stories told at her funeral, revealing what spunk and fun she was.  I have a picture of her hugging me and thinking the world of me and it’s something that I wish I could go back to.  I remember not too long ago, I sent her flowers, just because and in my card I told her that I missed the days when it was us. That I wish I could just go back and live those days.  There wasn’t a worry and I had someone who loved me so much. Who wasn’t working and would be able to spend time with me after school.

Granni loved her Sunday School class.  She loved church period.  She told everyone she could about Jesus and I don’t know how many people came to know Jesus because she planted the seed, watered it and helped them grow.

I miss her silent treatments when I didn’t go to church and she came home.  She wouldn’t talk to me for the rest of the day.  BUT it was my choice.  I was a newlywed and no one could tell me what to do anymore. As I got older, I became more independent.  Where once I was always running to her for advice, I was now taking my own.  I didn’t talk to her as much but I did talk to her a lot still.  She would always talk to my Momma and tell her, “You know she is mine, right?!” “She is my other daughter.” “We bonded when she was a baby.” “My Precious”

It is comforting to know that I was hers.  That she always told my momma, “She is Mine.”

Definition of skirt, pants, trousers, and pantalets

Skirt – v. to border, wrap, or cover with a skirt or something suggesting a skirt in appearance or function. N. the part of a gown, dress, slip, or coat that extends downward from the waist.

Pants – n. trousers

Trousers –  n. sometimes, trouser, also called pants, a usually loose fittings outer garment for the lower part of the body, having individual leg portions that reach typically to the ankle but sometimes to any of various other points from the upper leg down. Idiom – wear the pants, to have the dominant role; be in charge: I guess we know who wears the pants in that family.

1830-40; short for pantaloons.

Pantalets – n. Long drawers extending below the skirt, with a frill or other finish at the bottom of the leg, commonly worn by women and girls in the 19^th century.

Ten years ago I was living in our first home that we bought and trying to find my place in life.  My Momma was over and looking out my front window. “Thea, look at that girl’s pretty hair!” Our new neighbors, whom I hadn’t met yet, had a young girl that had gorgeous hair down to her waist. “You know, she is wearing a dress and riding a bike! That has to be hard.” My Momma was very curious about this little girl. I never really took notice of the details that were being pointed out to me.  “Do you think they are a certain read More >

Going to a restroom, you will always see the sign where it shows the woman in a dress and the man in pants. Now, I have seen unisex signs where half the figure is pant and skirt.

I am on a journey of why our dress changed.  Why we feel we have to wear pants or we think to wear a skirt or dress makes us less worthy. I was raised in little dresses and pants. But there was time when pants were not even an option for women.

I was speaking with my Granni this morning and I asked her if she remembered when she started wearing pants.  She thought for second and said she did. She was the first woman to wear a pair of pants to her church.  When she walked in, the women came up to her and told her how happy they were that she wore them. They could now start wearing pants, since she started it.  She laughed and said that she was always the first to be trying things.

I asked her if she remembered why she started wearing pants and she couldn’t remember the reasoning for it. My Great-Granni, her Mother, never wore pants that she could remember.

It truly is amazing when I decided to live for Christ how my manners, my sight, my feelings for living have changed. I care for people but it has tripled in how I feel love for everyone.

Here comes the fruitcake, and I say this with humor not demeaning in anyway. I have been dealing with the conviction of dress and it started over 8 years ago but then I stopped reading the word and spending daily time with my God, I even stopped going to church. People were looking at me like I was a freak and I was having a hard time with that and my husband, at the time, coming back from the war and seeing a change in me. I was coming across as odd or different or religious. Looking back I realize that I was living for people and not God.

EVERYONE has different convictions.  I am not putting this here to say that you need to have this conviction or be like me. I am sharing my testimony of the conviction of dress for me.

I was in a bad place in my walk with Christ for a long period of time. I had the problem with offense. I was hurt by Christians and I held onto the offense without realizing.  I let my pride get in the way by saying, “This is what happened but I am good now”. I wasn’t good. I put up a wall and was afraid to open up to anyone for fear I would be hurt again.  Maybe you can relate to what I am saying. I wouldn’t plant my feet in any church, let alone go to one without feeling sad or asking myself, “what do they want of me?”. My walls were very high.

It wasn’t until recently, through my studying, it came to me that I need to learn from what Jesus did.  Imagine going through what He went through. When His hour came and everyone that said they wouldn’t deny Him, did. I tell you what, I would have been offended and thought, “well see if I call you again or speak to you.” My feelings would have been hurt that my so called friends that professed to love me, acted like they didn’t even know me.  Jesus didn’t feel that way or have any offense toward them. He loved them, truly loved them, and came to them.  That is what I need to do in my life.  I don’t need to be afraid of getting hurt. When I do, I know that I will grow from it and be stronger.

Why allow offenses to come in between me and my Lord? Why stay in the dark hole of self-pity? I decided that it is time to allow myself to be open to relationships around me and not be afraid of being hurt. This life isn’t suppose to be peachy and perfect, if it was then we would be in Heaven. This life is by no means heaven! I decided it is time to plant my feet and no longer forsake the gathering of those who love Jesus. Where I plant is where the Lord is leading me. When it gets hard, I won’t leave and try to find another place. That is being offended and acting on it. I will not leave unless the Lord moves me in peace.

So with that being said, I have read the scripture Deut. 22:5, which says, “A woman must not wear man’s clothing, nor should a man dress up in woman’s clothing, for all who do this are an offense to the Lord your God.” We all know how we feel when we are offended. The word offense here is a hebrew term that speaks of anything that runs counter to ritual or moral order, especially to divine standards. It goes against God’s nature and will.

When I read that, I went through the thoughts of, “that was then, this is now.” BUT God is never changing. We change all the time, constantly. His word never changes with the times. He has no time. One day to us could be a thousand years to Him and a thousand years to us, could be a day to Him. It is a book that teaches us how to live from the One and Only True God.  Kind of like when we have children and we have lived and know that the path they are on would be smoother if they went this way. But no, they won’t listen to us to get a smoother path. They have to choose for themselves and travel the bumpy way. That is how the Bible is to me. It is my choice whether I want to be obedient to my God or live the way I want to live.

Some might think that this scripture is being taken out of context but my question to those people that think that is this: If taking it out of context is saying that women should not wear men’s clothing and it causes me to want to live in more modest apparel, to not be masculine but feminine, to live according to what I feel the Lord is telling me to be obedient about, what difference is it to you? How is me wearing a skirt hurting you? It’s not. I think it makes people take a look at their own life and how they are living and it might make them upset with what they see there. Therefore, they get upset and talk about the women in skirts.

My Granni brought up this scripture when she told me she started wearing pants and said that she wasn’t wearing men’s pants but women’s pants.  I told her, whether the pants button on the right or left or wherever the zipper is placed to make it a pair of “women’s” pants isn’t what that scripture was saying to me. Men wouldn’t wear a skirt to work in America. They wear pants. So, if I wear pants then I am wearing clothing like men. I don’t know if you see that but I do. If you don’t see that, don’t worry, it’s not something you are convicted on. I know I felt that way when someone pointed it out to me. I had to let God convict me if I was to not wear pants. I am still wearing them on and off but that is between me and my God. I am beginning to think I will only wear my skirts outside the home. Inside my PJ’s are pants, my exercise outfit inside is pants. Women wore pantaloons under their skirts to have modest movement if they had to lift their skirt to do something active.

I am not perfect and I know that people will always judge me and I am fine with that now. The only judge that matters is God. They will judge me if I am wearing pants by thinking things like, “Look at her butt”, or “why is her pants so tight?”. They will judge me in skirts by saying, “Why is she wearing a skirt?” or “She looks like she is one of those church ladies that have long hair and don’t wear make-up.” Well, I am one of those ladies but I wear some powder and my hair is shorter but I am letting it grow (another conviction).  I do want my hair longer but I like having the color, just like the Godly Women have perms. Chemicals are chemicals. Whether it be a perm or a color. I know that I cannot change my gray because the temporary stuff just wears off and bam! there is the gray. We cannot permanently change the color of our hair because within a few weeks, the natural has grown out and it’s the TRUE color.  How I look on the outside is for man to judge, I guess. Whether I am affected by it or not is my choice.

Here is something that came to me since I started being obedient to the conviction the Lord gave me:

• I realized while in Wal-Mart that when I looked around, I was the minority. I thought how back when women were wearing skirts, how they must have felt looking at the woman in pants. Do the women in pants now look at the woman in the skirt and think the same thing? Or were the women in skirts envious of the woman that seemed to have freedom in pants and be independent and now looking at the women in skirts feels that those women are going back to a time when we were in bondage?

Do you have anything to share on this topic? If so, feel free to email me or sign up and put your thoughts in the comments.

When it comes to hurts, do we turn to the Healer or do we allow the stealer to destroy?

I have been alone, being more in the mind than in the body, for the past 9 months.  Everyone around me seems to move through their life, knowing where they are going and who with, while I am standing and watching mine go by, it seems, and for once not knowing where this path I am on, will go. I feel I am on a time limit and not much is left.  The time I am talking about is having babies. (If I want any more) Have you felt that way?  Looking back over my married life, yes, I was read More >

Well, anything can be a tool of Satan if we allow it to be. It’s our weakness’ that get us in trouble but the Lord says He will provide a way out when temptation comes. It’s up to you if you want to ignore that way out or not.

I don’t know if you have done much research about the internet and how it has been a tool to destroy lives but let me share with you what I have found. read More >

Genesis ~ an origin, creation, or beginning

My divorce was final September 16, 2010.  In a sense, it is a new beginning for my family and I.  Talk about hard! Learning who you are and what you like is no easy task.  It is really easy to fall into depression and feel sorry for yourself.  Being in a marriage for over 20 years and not having many friends taught me now, that I don’t have many friends! ha!  So, how do you find people to hang out with? What kind of “hanging out” do your friends do? Is it the type of hanging out you want to be around?

I tried Match.com and deactivated my account.  Not ready for that scene.  I did go out with some lady friends and couldn’t stay long because I wasn’t ready to be out there yet.  I have said “no” too many times that I think that is what everyone thinks my answer will be, so why ask.  I have a facebook account but that has been hard too.

I guess you could say that it is like a new birth. I am needing to heal right now (the feeding stages) and I want to just concentrate on my relationship with Jesus.  I will eventually crawl and then run. But right now I am in the infant stage. I just need to be fed the Word and let the healing begin.

Have you started a new beginning, new chapter in your life? If you have any advice I would love for you to share it with me.