The Diaries of a Fruitcake in a Half Baked World!

Sitting at my desk, I have a jar that my son made me when he was a little boy. He is now almost grown, at seventeen, becoming his own man. I am so proud of him and the choices he is making, or having to live with and learn from. There have been plenty. I am sure you can remember some.

In this jar are little pieces of paper that he has written something on each one about how he loves me. Even though he wrote it a long time ago, I still think of that innocent love from a son to his momma. Now that he is no longer living with me, but with his Dad, I find I am alone and miss him. So, I will open my jar and read:

Mom, I think you are the prettiest mom in the whole world!

Thank you for being a great mom!

Thank you for driving me to my basketball games and practices

Thank you for being good at things like cooking.

Just to name a few. The cooking one is great. As they got older and I was working more I seemed to stop cooking as much. So, it’s good to know that when I did cook back then, it was good.  :)

One thing I didn’t think I was very good at while I was married was my cooking. My husband, at the time, was the cook and I never thought I did that great because he cooked so much better. I wonder how nice it would be to have someone eat my food now and appreciate it and tell me how delicious it is. To sit at my table and give me the attention and praise my cooking skills like I am the best cook in the world. Even if I served a bowl of ice cream, to be told how great it is as if I made it myself.  That would be special indeed.

It is something I would like my son to do for his wife. Compliment her. She will want to cook for him everyday, just to hear his praises of her. It will make her want to strive to try new things and make him a happy man. It is amazing what a smile, a genuine smile, and a compliment will do to a woman when it comes to things like cooking or cleaning the house for her man and family.

Men….take heed of this post.

Last night I went over and had fellowship with my church family at my friend’s house with the youth and adults. It was such a wonderful time watching everyone play cards and the women sit around and visit. (Well, when I got there, there were only 2 women visiting.) I had so much laughter. I haven’t been laughing much lately but last night I really laughed. My friend and I had her daughter take some pictures and me, the fun gal that I am , wanting to pose crazzzzy and her posing beautiful, as she is! Our faces in the pictures are just lit up. (I am adding them to my photos)

While waiting for my divorce to be finalized and since he has moved off the property and into his own place with my son, I have been able to do the things I wasn’t able to do, not due to physical reasons but mental. I always stayed at home and very rarely did I visit others. I rarely socialized with others like I did last night. I was always feeling guilty when it came to wanting that. My prayer was always how I wished that I could have the freedom to just be able to sing and praise God when I wanted or be able to just read the Bible and grow in the Lord when I wanted. To be around others and visit and not worry about coming home and being questioned. To put God first in my life.

I am reading a book that I found in Lifeway Bookstore when I was out the other day. When I go into a bookstore I pray that the Lord will point me to the book that I need right now. I will read the Bible and then read the book that has been chosen. The book that stood out and I knew I needed to get is “Lady in Waiting: Becoming God’s Best While Waiting for Mr. Right” Whether you know who Mr. Right is or you don’t know; whether you are married, divorced, widowed or single, this book is wonderful in making you really exam yourself. It is backed with scripture, which is what I have to have when reading something that is suppose to be like a self help book. To also be able to discern that the scripture is not being taken out of context to support what the author is writing about is VERY important. When the scriptures are given, I stop and look them up.

In this book, it is teaching me about how to put God first before any man. A lot of women are eating off paper plates while the china is in the hope chest. They are waiting for a “mate” to bring beauty to their private world. “It’s time to take out the china daily for yourself and God. A lot of women waiting for Mr. Right are waiting to be satisfied by sharing the china and crystal with a husband. We need to find satisfaction in serving the Lord FIRST. Some women put their lives on hold, waiting for some guy to come riding into her life on a white stallion. They have no china, no decent furniture, and no pictures on the walls – none of the little extra that make a house inviting.” When reading this, I realized that my walls are now bare and my furniture is mostly gone in the living room so my son can have familiar surroundings in his new home. There is such an echo in my living room but it has great acoustics for singing! I plan on going to the store tomorrow and buying pictures to hang that reflect the Lord and the furniture will come later. But no more bare walls. My home will be inviting and will reflect my heart, which is in love with Jesus! Amen!! We just might not have a lot of places to sit.

A lot of women, according to this author, cannot comprehend fullness and satisfaction without a man. They settle for the generic version of life. John 10:10, Jesus said that He came so that we might have a more abundant life. The question was asked, “Do you believe that the abundant life is only for the married woman? Do you think that a woman with a husband, two children, a nice home, and two insurance policies is more satisfied with life than you are? Life is satisfying only when you diligently serve the Lord, whatever your circumstances.

My circumstances are those of a biblical divorced woman. How can I serve the Lord diligently? Oh, I am finding SO many ways! I feel that the Lord is grooming me for Mr. Right. First, I have to be in love with Jesus and serve Him. Without Christ first, how can I have anything that will be lasting and true? How can I be the Godly woman, wife for my Mr. Right? How can I minister to those around me through song, which is my calling, if Christ isn’t first in my life? With Christ ALL things are possible. I am faith resting that.

So, last night after visiting my friend, I came home around 10:30 p.m. and the children were with friends for the fire works. I was alone with my Jesus. So, I put in some CD’s and started worshiping the Lord with my voice. I sang for almost an hour and could have gone on if my voice wasn’t becoming so tired. It was wonderful to stand there in the middle of the living room with my arms stretched out, palms open and lifted to the Lord in worship. Praise God!

Afterward I came to my computer and checked my email and saw I had a comment on EA from someone that I didn’t know. So, when I opened it up, just coming out of my worship time, the Lord spoke to me through this person. This is the comment:

“Get ready. You are fixing to be blessed abundantly.”

Praise God! I am holding onto this truth. It is such an encouragement. I will stay grounded, steadfast, obedient and committed in my walk. I have changed in the past month, the past weeks. Always growing and finding joy, even though my thoughts will sometimes become sad due to the silence I receive, I pray for comfort and peace, in Jesus name! I receive it, every time. Christ knows the desires of our hearts. Only He knows mine. No man can take that away.

Unlike the male species who claim ownership by marking their territory, after much thought I marked mine by redecorating my nest (home). Anyone who has been through a life changing event like this, knows what a major hurdle I cleared. You don’t realize it is a major hurdle until you feel from the outcome of the accomplishment, a sense of freedom. When you prayerfully do something and you feel real, real good about it, you know you did something major.

Someone mentioned not too long ago that writing seems to be a stress reliever for me. I do love writing and yes, it is a stress reliever because I can get my feelings out and maybe help or identify with someone else who is going through the same thing. Maybe you have gone through what I am going through and have advice for me? We are here to love one another but more importantly love our Lord!

Being alone with children who are teens and always with friends, I am spending a lot of time with God, my own thoughts and on this site. I shut down one of my facebook accounts, Thea Agnew, and started fresh with, Stephanie Thea. I am not going to allow my facebook to get out of hand. Getting crazy comments, etc… Facebook can be used as a tool to witness to others. It reaches millions. So by taking control, it no longer has control over me. Amen!

Life as I knew it has changed. No longer are all my children at home with me. My oldest girl is planning on moving out and then I have my 16 year old daughter who spends a lot of time with her girl friends and boy friend. My son stays with his Dad in their apartment. So, time to mark this territory and make it a reflection of what God is doing in my heart. I feel like I am heading up the mountain and instead of being winded by the climb, I am exhilarated by the growth and healing I am feeling as I move forward on this new journey.

Have a blessed day!

Do you ever wonder what your calling from God is? The ministry that He wants to use you for and one where you have to be a willing vessel? Sometimes what we think is our calling actually isn’t. We think it might be because we like doing that certain thing or we automatically have that talent. Your calling might be just that. Only you and God know. Others might see it before you do.

I know that my calling is Worship before and after the preaching. It might even be something more. I have a little story to tell and anyone that knows me, knows when I say this that it will probably be a book. LOL! I’ll try to keep it short

As a little girl, I would fall asleep to the radio playing by my bed. It was the radio that the time would flip. (Digital wasn’t in yet.) This one night I had a dream that I was standing on a stage, in a dress, and I was a “grown up”. I was singing in front of a large audience. I woke up and knew then that I was to sing when I was older. Now, fast forward….

There was a problem. I could’t sing very well. LOL! I took voice lessons for about 2 months and quit because we couldn’t really afford it. (I was about 11 years old at the time.) I took piano lessons for about a year but I had a hard time because my hands were small. (The piano was handed down to me and in my home, needing to be tuned after 11 years!) I played the trumpet for 3 years and then decided to do choir in high school. I tried out for parts but didn’t make it because I was either sharp or flat. So, during High School I was in groups and even joined a Military band as a back up singer. I also had a fear. I was scared to sing in front of people. My gosh! How can this be my calling? I’m sharp/flat and I have to turn my back to sing in front of people. It wouldn’t be anything like my dream!

So, I gave up on singing. I couldn’t do it. I have proof of what I sounded like. I even had people laugh at me when I would do a solo! It was even written in my high school yearbook from a popular girl that I could be her back up singer one day! That was devastating to me.

I got married at the young age of 18 and if you don’t know my testimony, please check that out. I had children and we were stationed with the Military in Germany. I was alone a lot and found other spouses were in the same boat I was in. So, I was invited to come to a ladies bible study. I didn’t want to go. Didn’t want to be part of any religion group. It was forced down my throat all my life. I was made to go to church every Sunday morning, sunday night, wednesday night and any time the church was open for any program or celebration. So, when I left home and started my own, I was on my terms and rules. I didn’t have to go anywhere I didn’t want to go and I didn’t go to church. I was VERY stubborn.

Well, I would look out my window and see all these women meeting in front of my apartment and walking together to their study week after week. Then one day I decided to go. It was this day that changed my life to want a relationship with Jesus, not because I was made to but because I made the decision on my own. People were always thinking for me and telling me what to do. Not anymore.

It was during my time on the “Mountain” with God that I prayed about what I was to do with my life. The “Mountain” for me was being away from family and friends who always told me what I should do and just being with Jesus. (I am finding myself there again now.) Jesus led me but I had to be willing. I was getting into the computer era and thinking that maybe I needed to go to college. My Mom told me to pick what I wanted to do and she would pay for it. So, instead of looking through college information I prayed. I prayed for God to tell me what He wanted me to do.

My answer? Sing. OMGosh! That cannot be right! I have already been turned down by groups in school, been laughed at, made fun of and it was published in the year book! Not to mention the fact that I couldn’t get away from being sharp/flat in my notes. Oh and did I mention the fear of talking and singing in public. I got out of a drama class BEFORE I had to give my assignment of public speaking. “Lord, I don’t think I heard you right!” But the answer was singing. I told my Mom and she said, “Well, you gotta pray that if the Lord is wanting you to sing, that He blesses your voice to not be sharp or flat but on key.” So, I prayed that if the Lord is REALLY wanting me to sing, to bless my voice.

It was a MIRACLE! My Mom sat in front of me at the kitchen table 2 months later and I wanted to share with her my “new” voice. When I was finished, she sat there with her mouth open and tears in her eyes and said, “I can’t believe it!”

So what did I do? Well, I thought God wanted me to sing country music! Lord, help this child of yours! You give her a voice and then she wants to take off and be a star! So, I went to the top with Nashville, sent in my demo and got in all the record labels and auditioned but it wasn’t His will for me to sing Country. Instead I started singing in Church. I was always looking for the stage that was in my dream and one day I found it. It was when I was leading worship for our Parris Praise Mission. A small group with our Pastor would travel to Parris Island, S.C. to minister to the Marines who were going through boot camp every quarter. It was here that I saw the Hand of God come down and bring every Marine to their hands and knees as I was singing. To see the Power of God come down on such strong Soldiers was overwhelming for me but I knew then that singing for the Lord is what I was to do. He gave me the voice, now use it for His purpose, His glory. Amen!

There is so much more I could say. So many different stories of how He has used me with my voice. One thing I want to end on is to tell you that whenever I would stand up to sing, I would ask the Lord to empty myself of self and fill me with His Spirit. A fire would come over me and burn in my chest and I would sing. He was there every time!

Have you found out what your calling is? Could you share it?

Going to a restroom, you will always see the sign where it shows the woman in a dress and the man in pants. Now I have seen unisex signs where half the figure is pant and skirt.

I am on a journey of why our dress changed.  Why we feel like we have to wear pants or we think to wear a skirt or dress makes us less worthy. I was raised in little dresses and pants. But there was time when pants were not even an option for women.

I was speaking with my Granni this morning and I asked her if she remembered when she started wearing pants.  She thought for second and said she did. She was the first woman to wear a pair of pants to her church.  When she walked in, the women came up to her and told her how happy they were that she wore them. They could now start wearing pants, since she started it.  She laughed and said that she was always the first to be trying things.

I asked her if she remembered why she started wearing pants and she couldn’t remember the reasoning for it. My Great-Granni, her Mother, never wore pants that she could remember.

It truly is amazing when I decided to live for Christ how my manners, my sight, my feelings for living have changed. I care for people but it has tripled in how I feel love for everyone.

Here comes the fruitcake, and I say this with humor not demeaning in anyway. I have been dealing with the conviction of dress and it started over 8 years ago but then I stopped reading the word and spending daily time with my God, I even stopped going to church. People were looking at me like I was a freak and I was having a hard time with that and my husband coming back from the war and seeing a change in me. I was coming across as odd or different or religious. Looking back I realize that I was living for people and not God.

EVERYONE has different convictions.  I am not putting this here to say that you need to have this conviction or be like me. I am sharing my testimony of the conviction of dress for me.

I was in a bad place in my walk with Christ for a long period of time. I had the problem with offense. I was hurt by Christians and I held onto the offense without realizing.  I let my pride get in the way by saying, “This is what happened but I am good now”. I wasn’t good. I put up a wall and was afraid to open up to anyone for fear I would be hurt again.  Maybe you can relate to what I am saying. I wouldn’t plant my feet in any church, let alone go to one without feeling sad or asking myself, “what do they want of me?”. My walls were very high.

It wasn’t until recently, through my studying, it came to me that I need to learn from what Jesus did.  Imagine going through what He went through. When His hour came and everyone that said they wouldn’t deny Him, did. I tell you what, I would have been offended and thought, “well see if I call you again or speak to you.” My feelings would have been hurt that my so called friends that professed to love me, acted like they didn’t even know me.  Jesus didn’t feel that way or have any offense toward them. He loved them, truly loved them, and came to them.  That is what I need to do in my life.  I don’t need to be afraid of getting hurt. When I do, I know that I will grow from it and be stronger.

Why allow offenses to come in between me and my Lord? Why stay in the dark hole of self-pity? I decided that it is time to allow myself to be open to relationships around me and not be afraid of being hurt. This life isn’t suppose to be peachy and perfect, if it was then we would be in Heaven. This life is by no means heaven! I decided it is time to plant my feet and no long forsake the gathering of those who love Jesus. Where I plant is where the Lord is leading me. When it gets hard, I won’t leave and try to find another place. That is being offended and acting on it. I will not leave unless the Lord moves me in peace.

So with that being said, I have read the scripture Deut. 22:5, which says, “A woman must not wear man’s clothing, nor should a man dress up in woman’s clothing, for all who do this are an offense to the Lord your God.” We all know how we feel when we are offended. The word offense here is a hebrew term that speaks of anything that runs counter to ritual or moral order, especially to divine standards. It goes against God’s nature and will.

When I read that I went through the thoughts of, “that was then, this is now.” BUT God is never changing. We change all the time, constantly. His word never changes with the times. He has no time. One day to us could be a thousand years to Him and a thousand years to us, could be a day to Him. It is a book that teaches us how to live from the One and Only True God.  Kind of like when we have children and we have lived and know that the path they are on would be smoother if they went this way. But no, they won’t listen to us to get a smoother path. They have to choose for themselves and travel the bumpy way. That is how the Bible is to me. It is my choice whether I want to be obedient to my God or live the way I want to live.

Some might think that this scripture is being taken out of context but my question to those people that think that is this: If taking it out of context is saying that women should not wear men’s clothing and it causes me to want to live in more modest apparel, to not be masculine but feminine, to live according to what I feel the Lord is telling me to be obedient about, what difference is it to you? How is me wearing a skirt hurting you? It’s not. I think it makes people take a look at their own life and how they are living and it might make them upset with what they see there. Therefore, they get upset and talk about the women in skirts.

My Granni brought up this scripture when she told me she started wearing pants and said that she wasn’t wearing men’s pants but women’s pants.  I told her, whether the pants button on the right or left or wherever the zipper is placed to make it a pair of “women’s” pants isn’t what that scripture was saying to me. Men wouldn’t wear a skirt to work in America. They wear pants. So, if I wear pants then I am wearing clothing like men. I don’t know if you see that but I do. If you don’t see that, don’t worry, it’s not something you are convicted on. I know I felt that way when someone pointed it out to me. I had to let God convict me if I was to not wear pants. I am still wearing them on and off but that is between me and my God. I am beginning to think I will only wear my skirts outside the home. Inside my PJ’s are pants, my exercise outfit inside is pants. Women wore pantaloons under their skirts to have modest movement if they had to lift their skirt to do something active.

I am not perfect and I know that people will always judge me and I am fine with that now. The only judge that matters is God. They will judge me if I am wearing pants by thinking things like, “Look at her butt”, or “why is her pants so tight?”. They will judge me in skirts by saying, “Why is she wearing a skirt?” or “She looks like she is one of those church ladies that have long hair and don’t wear make-up.” Well, I am one of those ladies but I wear make up and my hair is short.  The Lord hasn’t convicted me in those areas. I do want my hair longer but I like having the color, just like the Godly Women have perms. I know that I cannot change my gray because the temporary stuff just wears off and bam! there is the gray. (I only have around 10 strands, by the way.) But how I look on the outside if for man to judge I guess. Whether I am affected by it or not is my choice.

Here is something that came to me since I started being obedient to the conviction the Lord gave me:

• I realized while in Wal-Mart that when I looked around, I was the minority. I thought how back when women were wearing skirts, how they must have felt looking at the woman in pants. Do the women in pants now look at the woman in the skirt and think the same thing? Or were the women in skirts envious of the woman that seemed to have freedom in pants and be independent and now looking at the women in skirts feels that those women are going back to a time when we were in bondage?

Do you have anything to share on this topic? If so, feel free to email me or sign up and put your thoughts in the comments.

THEA’S VISION/MISSION STATEMENT

One of my life Scriptures: Matthew 5:43,44 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”

We live in a world that is an instant gratification and ME generation. Loving others is being replaced with loving me, first. The hardest thing I have been asked to do is love my enemies and those who persecute me. It shouldn’t be hard but it sometimes is. My life will be to overcome and endure the persecution by loving through it. I will in turn love my enemies and my enemies will no longer be viewed as such. read More >

A Poem written by Carl Gooch.  Carl is a relative of mine and he has a couple of books in stores.

Here lately I have been thinking I was going crazy because I had so much going on and usually I can handle multi tasks.  My life was becoming chaotic and I was feeling like a heavy burden was on my shoulders, weighing me down. I have talked to multiple people on the phone who all made the same comment, “You sound down, are you ok?”

I have been taken over by the Facebook bug and couldn’t seem to get out of the 4 games I was playing. I had google alerts for 5 different topics that I wanted to keep on top of, coming to my email account 50 times a day, or so it seemed. I started a new class for my Real Estate and then was looking into getting my associates in Psychology. Making sure kids are doing what they are suppose to and going to all the games. Whew! I’m tired just writing it all down. Reading it makes my chest fill tight again. BREATHE! read More >

Remember being young, possibly racing to the only dandelion you saw, hoping to beat your brother or sister? I do.

You pick this dandelion that is white and fluffy with seeds and try to be really careful not to let the wind cause any part of your masterpiece to disappear.

The thrill of being the breath that will losen, release the seeds to fly away with the wind made me a fast runner. I won!

Gently, pulling it from it’s warm bed, I would bring it to my mouth, enhale a deep breath and softly blow till the puffy white was all gone.

Where do the seeds fly to? It never entered my mind.

Something happened with the finality of my ‘Angel Girl’ dying last week. It was and still is hard to grasp that at 1:26 a.m. she was no longer with us. As my daughter said, “She exhaled”. Her last breath became part of the air I breathed. What is left of her? Pictures, a grave to visit daily, memories in my mind and that my family shares. She didn’t have puppies. Nothing from her physically, viewed, lived on. Just a hole in our hearts.

Your life… read More >

I hope that you all had a safe and great New Year’s Eve celebration. Our’s wasn’t that great. My 16 year old son wanted to stay out late with his friends to ring in the new year.  We called the police station to see if the curfew changed for the teenagers because of New Year’s Eve.  The station said an Officer would call us back.  He did and told us that the curfew didn’t change and that he has teens that he will not allow to even be on the road on this night.  He said there would be a lot of drunks and he just doesn’t trust the other drivers with his children on the road.

So, we had our son come home and tried to tell him that he couldn’t be out past 11 pm.  It started a really bad argument and that is what we were all doing as the New Year rang in!  My 18 year old daughter was crying because it might just be her last new years eve with us before starting out on her own and I felt like CRAP!  I was the first to hug and kiss her though! I tried to make some positive come out of the situation but it was hard.

Have any of you had a hard time with your teenage son? He is taller than me and it was hard to get through to him. If I tried to talk, he would stop me in mid sentence by getting louder and just not listening. I got on my facebook and put the question out and got some really good advice, like, find out the facts about what happens if your child calls the police or if you do because you are having a hard time being the one in control.  I will do an update to let you know what I have found.

Have any of you had a son or daughter that would threaten calling the police if they were getting their way?  What did you do? He has threatened to leave the house when we have told him to stay put. Do you call the police when that happens or do you just let them go?  I have so many questions and I will be the first to say that even though I offer advice on this site, I still need it myself. Ever learning, ever growing!

Merry Christmas from my family to yours! Enjoy your day with the ones you love or remembering them if they aren’t able to be with you.

I got up early this morning due to a cold I have been fighting. Early, as in 4:30 a.m. and everyone is still sleeping. There was a time when I would be in bed and little feet would run into the bedroom and jump on our bed, waking us up yelling, “Santa came!” That was when they were 4, 5, and 6 years old. Here they are 15, 16, 17 and sleeping all snug in their bed, away from the coldness I am feeling on my toes as I sit by the fire.

Now I am the one running in bedrooms and yelling, “Santa came!” How the roles change, huh?!

Have a Merry Christmas! Oh, and “SANTA CAME!!!!!”