The thing with trust. Whew! That’s a big one. Trust is about you and your history. There are two types I have seen when it comes to this thing that makes life wonderful or a hell. The giver and the denier.
Which are you?
You give trust at the beginning of a relationship, whether it’s friendship or romantic, because you have not given up hope in God’s creation. You have hope that man will have some good in them. Praying for a moral and ethical person that won’t lie or hurt you like you have been in the past. So, you trust to get to know this person and when you see a fault you give them another chance. You know man isnt perfect and that there will be hurts that will make you stronger and your bond stronger. Our fall is when we think because we give trust to someone we feel is worthy of it, there is no way for faults. We believe everything until they give us reason to start doubting. Once that happens, in order to heal and not cut each other off, you have to understand the process of earning trust back. Men and Women, it can be done but it will take time!
When I lost trust in my previous relationship I told him it could be years before I trusted again. He would have to endure the consequences of his lies and that would be me asking questions to start building trust again. I know men!! You can’t stand all the questions that your woman asks. If you have messed up by lying to your friend, girlfriend, partner or spouse, then questions are something that is positive because they haven’t given up on whatever you have together.
Questions need to be answered truthfully, and believe me she will know the truth. (Whether it comes out within minutes or years, it will be revealed.) Only then will you know that trust is being rebuilt. It can be done. I started to trust again. I slowly stopped asking questions. But there were other issues with that relationship that I just gave up on because I felt there would never be change. (That will be another post; why women feel they have to change their man.)
The second thing with trust I have seen is not giving it up front. The denier. This person has been hurt by so many people not just one. So they have given up hope in man and expect the worse. I believe this is where I am a little worried about myself. I don’t want to become this denier because it only leads to a life of loneliness. So starting off this way is not healthy for anyone because the other person feels they have to constantly prove they are worth trust before even doing anything wrong. They are compared in each phase of a relationship with the ones who hurt him before her. Each hurdle is jumped and yet there is another waiting until you’ve reached a point that the owner of trust hasn’t gotten this far before. Then at that time you will be the guide by which the owner of trust will gauge others by, if there are others after you. Some might feel they are walking on eggshells because as soon as they do something wrong that will prove to the owner, “see I knew I couldn’t trust you”.
It’s really a disaster waiting to happen. No one is perfect. And this owner is looking for the perfect one that won’t hurt him. It’s sad to say it will never happen. That’s why the denier will suffer from loneliness until he can be a giver of trust. Someone will always hurt you in some way. It’s what you do with the hurt that makes or breaks you and the recipient of your trust.
The giver has forgiven past hurts. The denier has not forgiven and guards their heart in an unhealthy way.
So trust is held by the owner who gives it or denies it. We should all give trust until it’s broken then communicate to start healing and building trust back. If you are the person who has broken trust with the person you care about and are sorry for the hurts you have caused, then forgive yourself. Once you have forgiven yourself, you will be in the frame of mind to be able to endure questions that build trust back up. Just remember to endure means conquering what satan has tried to destroy! Most importantly, teaching the one that has broken trust that forgiveness and trust can be attained again. Each time it does the bond is stronger and thicker with each other. There will be no room for others to hurt your heart because you are not running but working through trust issues now.
**A word to men, since I am a woman who has been hurt.
If you have hurt a woman in your life, don’t become defensive and find faults in her character to justify why you have to lie. A lie is a conscience choice that we make. We know when we are asked a question whether or not we will tell the truth. We know that it is about to come out of our mouths as a lie. Men say it and then forget about it. Sometimes they lie so much they start to believe their own lies as being the truth.
When you lie, you automatically start to feel bad about yourself. That is how it is suppose to be. We aren’t suppose to be happy with ourself for lying to another person. If you lie so much, to so many people, then of course you are going to think badly of yourself and become depressed, thinking you aren’t worth it to anyone. Why would anyone want to talk to you or spend time with you, is what you will ask yourself. You have to understand that the woman who is still talking to you, in-spite of her knowing about your lies, isn’t a fool. She has seen something in you that is good and she knows that one day you will be courageous and overcome the lying. She has hope in you. If she doesn’t then that is the reason you are alone. She didn’t have anymore hope in you.
If you still feel low about yourself, it’s because you haven’t forgiven yourself. If you push her away because you think you are this awful man because of your lies, you are just running. If you were as bad as you think, with no hope, she would have been gone a long time ago. Believe me, I have read the stories online of the pain women can’t endure any longer. Anyone that knows anything about running from something should take note of the lesson by
Jonah in the Bible. He ran from God and found himself in the belly of a huge fish, some say it was a whale. It happened. Don’t run from the good that God has stored in your heart. Don’t let the bud of evil take root there. Once it has taken root, it has to be pulled out like the weeds I was pulling out of my yard. And let me tell you, pulling those weeds with the roots holding onto the ground was hard on my body. Your body will suffer because of the roots that are taking over.
Proverbs 26:28 says, “A lying tongue hateth those that are afflicted by it; and a flattering mouth worketh ruin.”
Don’t be a man or woman that lies. Speak the truth at all times, even if the truth hurts. A lie will only hurt worse.
